Getting Them Sorted
by Dobby's Socks
Summary: Surprised by young Dr. Song's advances, Jack finds himself once more acting as a Time Lord marriage counselor. If only the Doctor would stop finding such attractive friends. The latest oneshot in my AU Jack and Eleven series starting with "Don't Stop at Hello", set sometime between the first and last episodes of S7 pt 2, Doctor/River, rated for alcohol and heavy innuendo


**I can't seem to leave this series alone—which I suppose is a good thing if you've been following along so far—but hopefully just getting this one out there will allow me to return to some of my older works waiting to be updated. And hopefully this oneshot makes up for the last one, enjoy!**

**Dobby's Polka-Dotted Sock**

**Getting Them Sorted**

Jack went to the bar every night the next two weeks, just in case the Doctor showed up again. He really hadn't liked the way the Time Lord had last looked, as if buried under a weight that was becoming too much to withstand. And River had indicated that these impromptu meetings helped his friend more than he'd realized.

Of course, now that he'd become aware of this they just had to throw him for a loop.

Jack only got in the door this time before the bartender was beckoning him over. With a raised eyebrow, he made his way to the bar, leaning casually on the top. "Something I can do for you?"

"Listen, mate, it's that woman again. Only—she seems a bit off, alright? Not to mention she ought to be out like a light by now."

"Oh?" Jack turned to look at the corner booth. Someone was seated there, but it was near impossible to judge who due to the ring of men standing around in clear interest. His feet carried him over of his own accord and as he approached, the men all laughed at something that had been said. A smooth, almost sultry chuckle rose above the rest.

Jack cleared his throat loudly, causing most of the posse to turn and spot him. Several went pale while others grumbled under their breath, but the consensus seemed to be that the party was over—their party, at least.

The woman seated at the table poked her head around in confusion and more than a little disappointment as the men backed off one-by-one, and River Song gave him a reproachful look. "And what was all that for?"

"I might ask you the same thing, River," Jack returned, nodding at the array of empty glasses on the table. He might have thought the whole group had been having a round if not for the clear lipstick smudges on each and every rim. He could see now what the bartender had meant.

But the familiar woman's expression merely turned to one of pleasant surprise. "Oh, you know me?"

"Well of course I—wait, don't tell me," he suddenly took in the brighter eyes, the wilder hair, the more provocative clothing and makeup and knew: he hadn't met _this_ River Song before.

"I won't tell you, but I'll just say I'm Dr. River Song. Who are you?" A flirty little smile accompanied it, and Jack smiled back if only to be polite. It wasn't in his nature to be out-charmed, after all.

"Captain Jack Harkness." He might have said more, but this younger River gave a delighted gasp.

"Oh, that's brilliant! I couldn't have picked better if I tried—have a seat, Captain." And before he could even give a thanks, she yanked on his arm and tugged him down next to her, knees brushing. She even shifted a bit so her one leg draped over his knee just slightly. "Comfy?"

"Maybe a little too much," he remarked, trying to find the joke in her eyes, but there was no kidding around in her almost predatory smile.

"Good. Feel free to order a drink, Captain, maybe two. I'll make sure you won't have to spend a cent." Due to their proximity he could now say with certainty that she'd had more than two drinks this evening. He had to wonder if her being half Time Lord had anything to do with it or if it was purely her.

"You'd put it on your tab?"

"I suppose you could call it my tab, though I've got somebody in mind," she replied evasively. He had a feeling it was meant to be her own private joke as she walked her fingers up his arm. But it took more than that to make Jack Harkness' brain short-circuit, even if it desperately wanted to right now.

"Yeah, something tells me I can guess who," he commented lightly, grabbing up her hand as those lovely fingers reached his shoulder. She pouted as he added, "Speaking of which, Dr. Song, you are aware this is the bar your _husband_ frequents on occasion, yes?"

The transition was so quick he almost missed it, for suddenly she was a foot away along the booth with her arms crossed and a scowl. "Of course you have to bring that up. Why am I not surprised?"

"Because you recognized my name, which means you know that I know him."

"Yes, and I also know you're supposed to be an incorrigible sex fiend, so how exactly has he turned you into my minder?" Jack couldn't help but raise both eyebrows at the angry, almost resentful tone she was using. How would this woman become Professor Song with her gentler touches and endearments?

"He hasn't," he shook his head, deciding for now to just answer the question. "But the Doc's my friend, and unless the Time Lords were totally cool with that sort of thing, I'm afraid that makes you off limits for any serious considerations."

River gave a rather undignified snort, her ire only rising. "Oh sure, I'm not allowed to have a night out on the town, but if he decides he wants some new fun then it's perfectly fine—"

"Wait, what?" Jack was gaping now. Was she saying what he thought she was? Ordinarily, Jack might have thought he was interpreting wrong, but River Song was a woman as sensually minded as he was.

"You think I'm here on some flight of fancy? Not everything's my fault, you know," she snapped at him, then continued her bitter rambling. He was starting to notice the effects of the alcohol. "Normally when he's being a bother I just tell him I'm going to spend some time with Vastra and Jenny—the look on his face is _priceless_, every time." She gave a laugh at that, almost as if recalling whatever expression.

"Vastra and Jenny?" Jack repeated, not all that surprised at the female names.

"Oh, I never actually—for one thing they're too Victorian to consider that kind of fling. He still falls for it, even if it doesn't completely worry him. That's why I came here instead."

He looked around the male-dominated bar and thought he understood her choice, but had not much of an inkling as to the reasoning behind it. "Ok, the make-him-jealous scheme, got it. But I can't help noticing you seem to be planning on following through…completely through."

"An eye for an eye, Captain," her breath was hot in his ear as she leaned forward again, placing one hand on his knee. "Would you like to help me?"

Before the two factions of his brain could even gear up for war, however, a loud, exasperated, and very familiar voice cut in, "I _knew_ it, should have checked here from the start!"

Jack jumped and twisted around in his seat. "Doctor!" The alien stood before them in shirtsleeves with a blue-gray vest and a pocket watch on a chain, the bowtie a complimentary dark purplish color. He was starting to lose track of the various outfits he'd seen his friend in, and could only register that he'd gone from cute tweed to sexy waistcoat. He'd look even better if he wasn't near fuming.

"What sort of time do you call this? I'm _busy_," River stated rather rudely.

But the Doctor merely said, "I call it 'finishing my explanation' time, which I personally feel you could have spared more than two seconds for!"

"How'd you even find me?" The woman seemed most annoyed by this, and started pressing buttons on a vortex manipulator Jack only now realized was strapped to her wrist. Quick as a flash, however, the Doctor lunged forward with the sonic, disabling the little device with a whirr and a fizzle. River wrenched her wrist from his grasp with a look of outrage. "How _dare_ you!"

"If you'd just listen to me, I wouldn't need to—"

"Ok, ok!" Jack finally broke back in, having enough of this ping-ponging shouting match. "Listening is good, sounds great, actually. But inside voices, please? I'd rather they not force us to take this outside." River seemed to be seriously contemplating that idea. So Jack attempted to stand and make room for the Doctor next to the archeologist, but she merely latched onto his arm, hugging it to her chest. While that felt nice, it left him to awkwardly gesture across the booth to an empty spot.

With a roll of his eyes at his wife's antics, the Time Lord dropped into the seat and folded his arms. "How've you been, Jack?"

"Uh, pretty good. Work's been pretty calm lately—"

"Is this that all-important explanation you said you had?" River interrupted sarcastically.

The Doctor merely fixed her with a stern look. "No, I'm making conversation while waiting for you to stop being so hysterical; I'd think you were full-human at this rate."

"You—!"

"Woah, ok. Doc, we've talked about the prejudices," Jack admonished, "and River, I'd really like some circulation back in my arm." With identical huffs, the Doctor muttered an apology and River released him. "Thank you. Now can you guys at least tell me what this is about?"

The alien spoke first, naturally. "It's been some time since I saw you last, Jack. Since then I've been sort of trying to…move past things," he hedged while avoiding looking at River, and he thought he understood. Amy and Rory. "To that end, I've taken on another companion and started traveling again—"

"Should I start getting suspicious every time I hear about someone you call 'companion'?" River interrupted, clearly impatient with the explanation already.

"Your _parents_ fall under that category, you realize?" The Time Lord retorted irritably. He gave an exasperated sigh. "Anyway, Clara was onboard when River popped in and overreacted. She came here, I followed—and you can be angry with the TARDIS for letting me know where to go—you know the rest."

Jack nodded slowly, though felt there had been something missing from the story. While Dr. Song was a far cry from the reserved professor he'd previously met, he didn't see how in that version of events she would have overreacted this much.

Clearly, River agreed with him, for she glowered at her husband. "Oh 'Clara was onboard' was she? Do I have to mention the bit where she was _asleep_, _sprawled_ out on the pilot chair, in a tank top that barely covered her _midriff_, hugging _his coat_ like it was her baby blanket?" The Doctor had flinched, sinking lower and lower in the seat at each emphasized word, and River's eyes were blazing now with a righteous fury. "And don't even get me started on her looks."

"By all means, continue," Jack insisted, unable to help himself.

"Young—"

"She's twenty-four."

"—flawless complexion, brown hair to the shoulder-blades—"

"How do you get all that from one look? And what is this about anyway, River?" The Doctor demanded. "Are you going to be like this every time someone who isn't your parents is on the TARDIS? I hadn't thought you the jealous type."

"Doc, _I'm_ not the jealous type, but I can tell you from listening to that, I'm jealous," Jack assured the alien. "Hell, I've already been jealous of you _and_ your wife."

River's glare softened slightly at that remark, but she still kept her tone clipped as she said, "If I've no reason to be jealous, why did you practically shush me and hide me from Clara?" That was certainly a good question.

"Because, dear, as you so brilliantly pointed out already, she was _asleep_. Vortex manipulators and talking tend to wake a person up."

"Well you could've introduced me and sent her off to a proper bed with a _real_ blanket," the woman countered.

"What is so objectionable about me giving her my coat? I noticed she was cold and her dressing gown was in the wash. And anyway, she'd only just dropped off, it seemed rude to wake her when I could've just talked to you in a different room," the Time Lord reasoned.

"And why couldn't she have gone to bed in a different room—say, her own?—if she was tired?"

"Because," he nearly growled, seemingly frustrated both with the interrogation and the excuse he had to give, "she claims she cannot find it. Alright? Apparently the TARDIS refuses to help Clara locate her room, and so the only place she's decided won't be tampered with is the console room, particularly if I'm in it."

"Where is Clara now?" Jack asked, a bit disappointed he wasn't meeting this new controversial companion. Though right now, perhaps that was for the best.

"Still asleep, I imagine. In the TARDIS, at any rate," the Doctor dismissed easily enough.

River had a peculiar light to her eyes as she commented, "So the TARDIS doesn't like her, does she?"

"River," it was a clear warning, but the curly-haired woman went on.

"There's got to be a good reason for that."

"There is and it's complicated, but it's got nothing to do with you," the alien told her. "Now really, you've _got_ to believe me, River. Clara's a friend, a good friend, but that's the extent of it. So what's really bothering you, eh?"

"Oh, I don't know," she burst out wearily, and Jack suddenly noticed how everything she'd said up to now had been colored by a hurt tone. "I've never met you when you were travelling with someone who wasn't mum or dad and for her to just be there was like a slap in the face. I know I'm not the only woman you've ever met, but- well, look at me!"

They both did, Jack exaggerating the up-and-down trail of his eyes, which caused her to give him a good-natured swat on the arm. He chuckled and rubbed at it while studying the Doctor, whose expression seemed uncertain and more than a little lost.

"Well I have been," he said bluntly at last. "What exactly did you mean?"

She rolled her eyes, but the gesture held considerably more fondness toward the Time Lord than she'd been showing him all night. "Clara's twenty-four, you said. And not that I want to _be_ twenty-four, but when you look at me—how old did you think I was before you found out I was half Time Lord, Doctor?" River finally posed the question in an alien-proof way, which allowed his friend to now see the issue with the same clarity that Jack already did.

"Ah," was all the Doctor said at first, not a great response, but not the worst. "Well, it's hard to say since I met you at different points—"

"Oh, don't be so gentlemanly about it, you insufferable man," the blonde scoffed. Jack shrugged when the Doctor turned a helpless look to him. "I liked this body originally, but now…well, it's not what most would call _young_ is it? I mean, really, the first thing I could think of was to call you 'Benjamin'—_The Graduate_ is our thing! That's not exactly what I'd call flattering."

"I always thought _The Graduate_ was our thing because I am really ridiculously too old for you," the Time Lord remarked in slight puzzlement.

"Technically we're all ridiculously too old for anybody," Jack pointed out, causing wry grins to appear on both their faces. River still gave a sigh, though.

"Yes, but it doesn't show. Not like it does on me. And I suppose I just saw that pretty, young girl in the chair and it made me defensive. Can I help that?"

"Of course not." Jack gave a discreet thumbs up to let the Doctor know he was doing it right. "But just because Clara looks younger—because you're not old, River—doesn't mean I would- well- you know," he faltered, awkward as ever, and both Jack and River smirked slightly. "And maybe you liked this body originally, but- but so did I," he managed, cheeks tinged a little pink and eyes steadfastly ignoring Jack. The Doctor drew in a breath and said quite smoothly, "In fact I still do."

River gave a self-deprecatory shrug. "What's there to like?"

The Time Lord looked across the glass-strewn table dividing them before making up his mind and sliding around the booth to River's other side. Fortunately she didn't slap him or otherwise lash out, and Jack felt it safe to assume they'd weathered the storm. Now was about navigating this less intense, but still important topic. He should have guessed that even a younger version of the archeologist would use something like outer anger about Clara to mask inner insecurities, and wondered if they'd only gotten this much out of her due to the alcohol she'd consumed.

"Well," the Doctor began, "your nose, for one thing. You've got a cute nose." He tapped it and she turned away a bit towards Jack, but there was a smile tugging at her lips. "And you can't say you haven't got a great smile, River. Your whole face is lovely, really."

She seemed pleased in general with this review, but sighed. "Look at me, fishing for compliments. You must think I'm being so _human_."

Jack decided against raising his usual protests, and thankfully the Doctor did not disappoint. "Maybe, but that's the amazing thing about you, River! You're so human, and yet you can understand and know me at my best and worst. Just as I know you at yours." He reached out and placed light fingers to her cheek, guiding her to face him fully again. "And sometimes compliments need to be paid. Oh River," the Time Lord shook his head, but his expression was warm, "these are early days for you, aren't they?"

She nodded. "I've been in Stormcage a year now. And I'm not angry about why I have to be there, Doctor, but sometimes I just don't want to go back. I can't seem to stop asking myself 'Why can't I be his companion?'"

Jack felt his heart go out to this woman who was making so many sacrifices, and saw the Doctor frown in regret as well. "I wish you could be, River, but you are _so much more_ than that. Clara is dear to me, yes, just like those before her and those who may come after. But you, River, you will always be my wife. And you will always be beautiful to me." River smiled then, true and genuine, and Jack decided he'd successfully nudged things along to a happy resolution.

So while he'd kept mostly silent for some time, he couldn't stop himself. "Me too, River. Though Doc, couldn't help noticing the lack of a below-the-face mention. That's a job half-done."

It did the trick, for while River laughed openly the alien squirmed in his seat and blushed red again. "Well I'd go on, but you're sort of _here_, Jack," he waved an arm at him, pointing out the readily apparent, "and- and—"

But River placed a finger to his lips, halting his stammering. "I understand, Sweetie." Then she replaced the finger with her lips. It was an odd sort of déjà vu for Jack; they were flipped in a way from their positions last time in the booth, and with no jacket lapels to latch onto River merely wound her arms around her husband's neck, pressing in closer though the kiss was nowhere near the frenzied one they'd last shared here. The Doctor's hands, however, still unerringly found her blonde curls.

When they parted—after a ridiculously long time, the Time Lords—he didn't let go of them either. "Your hair, how did I forget the hair? It's incredible! I mean who has hair like this, Riv—" She silenced him with the same method, much to his and Jack's confusion, though the Doctor's didn't last for very long.

Once she'd pulled back and spoken, however, Jack instantly got it. "Don't tell me, Doctor. _Show me_."

The Doctor got it, too. And gulped. "Right now?" It was closer to a scandalized squeak than a question.

River rolled her eyes. "The TARDIS, honey." Jack was only half-joking when he pouted in disappointment.

The Time Lord appeared to be taking issue with that suggestion as well. "Oh, well, Clara's in there and that'd be a bit- well, difficult to explain in a hurry really. She is an inquisitive one, they all are." At her let down expression, however, an idea seemed to come to him. "But- but, wait right there." He shot out of the booth causing the table to shift an inch and nearly tip over the multitude of glasses. "Do not move—you too, Captain."

He raised his hand to his forehead in a two-finger salute at the mild warning. "Scout's Honor, Doc."

"Jack!"

"Ok, ok, I promise not to make a move on your hot wife while you're gone. But she started it."

"Maybe," River conceded airily with a shrug. "Oh, and Sweetie?" He'd taken a couple steps away and now half-turned back in mild annoyance. She merely gestured to the array of empty glasses.

"What, seriously?" Was the incredulous complaint. But the Doctor began digging around in pockets for that ever-present supply of cash, dropping a pile of bills down that for once did not seem an outrageous amount in proportion to what was being paid for.

"I'll make it up to you," she promised in such a way that made the alien swallow hard.

"Right. Don't- don't move. Just a minute," were his last flustered words, and the Doctor nearly sprinted from the bar.

Jack allowed a beat of silence, then looked River over again. "You know, I can safely say that I like everything the Doctor likes about you and more."

But she shook her head with a smirk that was bordering on a leer. "Oh, you couldn't possibly know _everything_ he likes about me."

"Do tell," he encouraged, but luck wasn't with him that night for the Doctor suddenly burst back in through the side door this time. It looked like he'd hastily shrugged into a long, dark purple coat—which he could only assume had been the notorious Clara's blanket not so long ago—but other than that seemed largely unchanged. Except perhaps the almost manic impatience with which he ushered Jack out of his seat and then pulled River from the booth and practically into his arms.

"Oh! Sweetie," she chuckled.

"_Two hours_." Jack barely picked up the gravely rumble directed into River's ear. "It took two bloody hours to convince her to go check on the kids, that _impossible_ girl."

"Oh, what torture, my love," she consoled, only slightly mocking.

"It was," he insisted petulantly.

Jack cleared his throat then and waited for them to look in his direction. "I would just like to point out that this is _much_ better than your behaviors at the start of the evening. Keep it like this, will you? I get paid through customer satisfaction, it would seem, not that I'm asking for anything."

River managed to step out of the circle of her husband's arms long enough to stand on tiptoe and place a kiss to his cheek. "I don't see why you shouldn't; you could make a career of this, Jack."

The Doctor spoke up as well. "Yes, your presence certainly allowed for cooler heads to prevail. Thank you."

"For friends it's free, stop in anytime," he teased. The alien rolled his eyes in an amused sort of way while the archeologist shook her head with a grin. "Now go on, don't waste your precious alone time on me. While the companions are away the Time Lords play, huh Doc? Or dance, I'm not partial." River actually laughed at that, even as the Doctor turned a rosy pink hue and fidgeted again.

"Ok, ok," his friend seemed to almost try and wave away his words. "Blimey, you're irredeemable."

"That's the idea."

"Fun as this is," River broke back in, "I do think we should follow the Captain's advice?" She gave a little nod to the side door, and the Doctor clapped his hands together.

"Right. Well then, Jack, till next we meet." Jack nodded in acknowledgment and the Time Lord then turned and offered his wife an arm. "Dr. Song, if you would accompany me to the TARDIS?"

She looped her arm through his. "With pleasure."

The alien actually smirked outright at that as they began walking away. "Good. Cause you know, Clara's only half-right; it's not a snogbox without River Song."

And with that last tantalizingly attention-grabbing declaration—that he had to suspect might have been said loud enough just so he would hear—the two slipped out the door. "Oh that is unfair," he muttered to himself, glancing about the bar that appeared to have been steadily emptying out.

Still, he could always try and get back at the Time Lord next time, and he was sure River would be open to the idea of helping out. If he and this bar had somehow become the two's venue for marital spats, well, he didn't mind. In fact, he was more than happy about it.

**And that's it for this oneshot. I haven't got any other ideas in the works as of now, so it might be some time before I update this little series. If you're wondering how River can be there, in my headcannon the Doctor did Darillium sometime between "Angels Take Manhattan" and "The Snowmen" but because of timey-wimeyness younger Rivers do occasionally pop up like in the "Rain Gods" short on the DVD. Part of me hopes that is actual cannon because I don't think I can stand losing Matt and Alex at the same time. It hurts. Not to mention the ongoing lack of John Barrowman. Still, that's part of what inspired me to right this series, so I can't complain too much. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one, and please review!**


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